tears falling all over again

it's such an usual day. lazy moved my body from the bed, was taking every step i mad even slowly than when i was in vacay, less thought, trying to be relax and enjoyed the live. to conclusion, i was late, kinda normal (for me)

then continued by study, study, study the whole day for almost 10 hours. it's not only study to be honest. study, struggling, fraudulent compete for some, tired, study, struggling, fraudulent compete for some, tired and it spins all over again for ten hours. being teenager is happy-hard.

after 9 hours for study, we did break, the sky became grey, the wind blows cooler and more intensive. perfect weather for cuddle. it was. but everything on my mind cooler than the wind, gry-er than the sky and it was hard thoughts for upcoming 17 years old girl for me. struggled in the middle of busy stuff preparing for final examination and arrangement to get in to state university. but it was.

let's move on. signs for diving rain was came up. i'm happy. I love rain, make me relax and dreaming without nobody looking up and asked why for expression of sad that was coming while you stare at the rain. it's kinda wont for me. and that's just what i did.

stare at the rain for loooong time. if it's enable, i want to walk under the rain and crying so nobody knows that i am really crying. make my own self relieve by falling the tears, as if the problems went away and i'm back to baby feeling, again. like i never make even a fault and smile purely. but, it wasn't. i just seated at the stairs and stare at the rain, trying very hard in order to tears don't fall. but i was failed.

it 's so sad when you know that your bestofbestfriend can't accepted shifting of yourself, never want to talk to you, leaving you behind and he goes ahead and persuade as much people to walking together without inviting you to join him. and the worst is, make a bond kinda bestfriend with someone you won't them to be, like you did with him yesterday right in front of your eyes. laughing, smiling without knowing how much you struggle to kill your own feeling to be with them and trying very hard to survive on your own foot.

and i can't hold it anymore. it's sad to ending senior high school part like this. it's sore something begin happy but ended by sad and tears. hope this will change, soon :')

Natasha